Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, June 21, 2009
[i got this image from googling "smoked salmon diarrhea"]
Oh man! Gotta read this story. I came across it tonight on this forum and thought I'd share it:
The FavorYikes!! Reminds me of my cruise to Mexico in 2007 when I ate smoked salmon one night...and wished I hadn't.
In 2002 some very close friends of mine were getting married and they asked me to create wedding favors for their reception. A wedding favor is a small gift given to attendees of a wedding as a gesture of appreciation from the bride and groom. I obliged, unaware that this favor would single-handedly be the cause of a gastrointestinal apocalypse.
The cold, orange monster
Typically, wedding favors are something you'd take home with you, such as bath kit or a box of chocolates. The bride and groom, however, requested wedding favors that could be consumed during the reception. They wanted them to be served as appetizers. With this in mind, I decided on a salmon dish. I'd smoked salmon for years and considered myself very seasoned at it, so I decided to create some kind of baguette and smoked salmon masterpiece. I remember staring at that giant mass of orange and white in the display case at the seafood market. I pondered its quality, flavor, and overall character of the fish. It sat there, happily gleaming in a bed of ice, giving no sign of the horrific monster that lay dormant.
Space is limited on the endless sea
The wedding reception was held on a large boat. The type of boat they rented can hold up to 200 people, and they are typically used for corporate events, parties, or other such occasions. The standard trip involves traveling for 2 hours out into the bay, and then 2 hours coming back. This means if you're attending the wedding ceremony, you're commited to spending at least 4 hours there. Normally this would have been fine and dandy, but this also meant that the number of available toilets was very, very limited.
The smoked salmon appetizers were devoured mercilessly by the guests. Everyone gleefully stuffed the fish into their faces like a fat kid eats gravy on christmas. For those five minutes before dinner my smoked salmon baguette was the talk of the town.
The storm approaches
Fast forward a few hours: gurgling stomachs, awkward flatulence, and an entire wedding party of uncomfortable abdominal pain masked by expensive dresses and rental tuxedos. Inside their tummies a storm bigger than Jupiter's butthole was brewing, and neither God nor man could stop it.
An atom is split, and toilets will fall
The first round of people who got diarrhea thought they could monopolize the toilets and hang out in there as long as their angry rectums demanded, but they soon found themselves ousted by another angrier, more demanding rectum who hadn't had a chance to use the toilet yet. Man, woman, and child: everyone sat on a ceramic throne that day and did terrible things in the name of food poisoning.
When one of the toilets backed up in the women's restroom, multi-colored water snaked through all the other stalls and forced the men's restroom to become co-ed. Now, not only did everyone have to suffer the humiliation of having their friends and family hear the roaring splatter of an unhappy bowel movement, their wives, girlfriends, and future significant others had to hear it as well. It was an orchestra of feces: If Ludvig van Beethoven was celebrated for his ability to defecate, this would have been his 9th symphony.
The journey home
No one died, and as far as I can tell only a few people vomited. Vomiting and diarrhea both sound the same when food is exiting the body at a thousand miles an hour, so I couldn't discern much from my stall-to-stall evesdropping. Toilet paper reserves were exhausted, pride was hurt, and a beautiful bride had her beautiful day obliterated by a poor choice of fish. We were able to pinpoint salmon as the culprit simply because it was the one common dish that everyone who got sick had shared.
I apologized hundreds of times. I apologized for assaulting the minds and bodies of those who only wanted to celebrate the union of a couple in love. I apologized to the ship's crew, who will no doubt have nightmares for years to come spurred by the memory of mopping up that liquid rainbow which marred the bathroom floor. I apologized to the bride and groom for turning their wedding reception into a mashup of musical chairs and the hershey squirts. I apologized for all of this - I apologized for my wedding favors.
Friday, May 29, 2009
I love these little surveys, haha. My sister recently tagged me so here we go!!
_what is your current obsession?_
*nutella - a spoonful here and there, but if I'm making crepes i'll go crazy with it!
_what is your weirdest obsession?_
*i like to imitate my birds when I talk to my sister. "meh meh mehhh!! bep bep!!" lol, crazy we are.
_Starbucks or Peet's?_
*Either one. Every coffee chain seems the same to me, but for sure I prefer 'ca phe sua da' (Vietnamese iced coffee), either home-dripped or from a cafe.
_what's for dinner?_
*'thit kho heo voi trung' (Vietnamese braised pork with eggs). one of my favorite dishes! we still have lots of herbs and lettuce, so i'll probably eat it spring roll style. oohhh yeahhhh!
_what would you eat for your last meal?_
*my two favorite foods in the whole wide world, noodle soups (bun bo hue, chinese/viet egg noodles, ramen) and pizza!
_what was the last thing you bought?_
*a grande iced coffee from charbucks, $1.95. milk, slightly sweetened. it tastes ok, kinda watery, should've asked for some hazelnut. icanhasflavur?
_what are you listening to right now?_
*my window's open, so it's just suburban ambiance; slight breeze, birds chirping, kids playing, planes overhead, dog barking, lawn mowers mowin' (or 'mow lawner' as my sister would say, haha!)
_what is your favorite ice cream flavor?_
*i couldn't decide between pistachio and amaretto gelato...but luckily i found THIS awesome combination on flickr!!
*i'm always down for some yogurtland green tea froyo too!
_what do you think of the person(s) who tagged you?_
*who, this girl?? lol. she's my sister. we go through our ups and downs. here's when she made me really mad and i pushed her down the stairs, lol. jk
_if you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
*at this moment, i REALLY REALLY want pizza. so perhaps for the next hour, i'd like to be transported to naples, italy, for some delicious pizza margherita!
_which language do you want to learn?_
*i'd like to be fluent in vietnamese. i'm less capable of conversing than a kindergartner =( [i know, i flunked kindergarten-level vietnamese...but then again, i ditched nearly every class. =|]
*today i checked out a "teach yourself french!" audiobook when i went to pick up some books i had on reserve. so i'll be teachin' myself some french this summer for fun! oui oui!
_what's your favorite quote (for now)?_
*lol, the first thing that popped into my head is a line from "Sweet Home Alabama" with Reese Witherspoon. At the end, she requests a song and says to "make it a slow one," and then freakin' "Sweet Home Alabama," which is an upbeat song, starts playing. My sister and i were wtf'd when we saw that.
_what is your favorite colour?_
_what is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?_
*probably the only cardigan that i own (grey, from express). i like wearing it with a tank top or wife-beater underneath.
_what is your dream job?_
*anything that doesn't take over my life or bores me to death. lets me be creative.
_what is your worst habit?_
_if you had £100 now, what would you spend it on?_
*whas das, like $200? damn, probably spend it on my health insurance bill. haha
*but for something fun...probably a new external hard drive and The Sims 3 (i see you rolling your eyes at me!)
_do you admire any one's style?_
*hmm, sorta-kinda-generally this type
*i really like my sister's look of the day today.
_describe your personal style?_
*broke college-grad. mix of stuff from undergrad/entry-level-workforce-yet-unemployed/hand-me-downs/casual
_what are you going to do after this?_
*work on a slideshow for a family member and homework. but first, dinner!
_what are your favourite movies?_
*my sister and i LOVE "Best in Show." Silly parodies like the "Scary Movie" series, comedies such as "Deuce Bigalow" and "White Chicks." Recent ones that I've enjoyed are "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Slumdog Millionaire" was ok. Hmm, drawing up blanks now. Oh yeah, Lifetime movies.
_what is your favorite fruit?_
*strawberries and pineapple. i love these in an icy smoothie.
_what inspires you?_
*artists, travelers, creative internet personalities
_your favorite book?_
*i really enjoyed "The Loved One" in high school.
*books by John Steinbeck
*books about food
_do you collect something?_
*my browser bookmarks are full of interesting websites
*in the past, i've collected sanrio stuff, state quarters, pokemon cards (not for fun, for profit. lol), comic trading cards, converse and vans shoes (not sure if that counts. it's not like i had over 100 pairs, haha).
_what is your favorite smell?_
*freshly baked bread and coffee
_what are you most proud of?_
*i don't really know, this question makes me feel unaccomplished. haha.
*i suppose...surviving 1.5 years in the Midwest? =\
_during your childhood, what's the best outfit you've put together by yourself_
* ~4 yrs old. flamenco-ish outfit with a Robocop sticker and firefighter helmet. Balloons to tie it all together. I am majorly confused about this get-up.
_cats or dogs?_
I'm not tagging anyone, but if you'd like to do this feel free! Just let me know and I'll put a link to your post.
1. respond and rework; answer the question on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, add more one question of your own.
2. tag eight other people, if you'd like
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
[My sister* started her own blog and has been pestering me to update mine, haha]
Damn, weather...it's about time! My dresser was being cluttered with different types of pajamas and loungewear because some days it would be in the 80s, then the next couple of days in the 50s. But for the next week or so, we might (finally) have consistently warm weather:
Not only will the sunshine help lift my spirits, but now I can leave my birds outside to enjoy the sun and fresh air all day long, instead of carrying their cage up and down from the basement when the weather changes.
I've gone back to school and have been busy with homework, so my blog posts have been sparse. The cloudy weather didn't put me in the mood to blog much either, and there wasn't really anything to write about.
Oh yeah, so school. Nope, not dental school! Something completely different, but I'm really enjoying it. It's going to be a lot harder to find a job or career path with this, but I've been thinking of having dental hygiene as my fallback if things don't work out.
I don't remember what this one's supposed to look like when it blooms...
I've also made crepes for the first time and they were the bombdiggity (lol). And I think that I've become addicted to Nutella and Blockles.
*Oooh! I want to welcome my sister to the blogosphere. That Girl is Hoisin features her fashion and makeup looks of the day and some tips. Lol, complete opposite of me! I'm mostly in my sweats (shorts and t-shirts now!) with a tinted moisturizer as my makeup. My "fashion of the day" (FOTD) would look the same errday.
From my guest appearance on her blog.
And the neighborhood cat who comes by every afternoon. Very affectionate and playful!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Like most parents, mine usually send me chain mails with dire warnings about plastics or random animal videos. I thought that this video was particularly fun and share-worthy:
Dah! These birds are so damn smart and cute!
Don't count on my finches being able to do that, ever...